There are moments in our lives when we feel so much pressure on our chests. The pressure of our choices or a few negative forces that we have no imagination where they’re rooted in. Life is a test and every moment if you give in, you’re done.
Of course, there is always a second chance but the price is rising simultaneously. Bad habits are the source of all the problems. It’s difficult to deal with something that has got used to it unless you replace something with it.
Whenever life gets dark for me, my language turns to English. I don’t know the precise reason, but I know the feeling of closeness and intimacy that I have with English can’t be compared with my feelings towards any other language.
I passed a few dark weeks really. By dark I mean: low mood, unmotivated, painful body.
I was listening to this piece by Adam Hurst from the album “From Silence”: Empty Sky
Darkness was beating in the sky and I was thoughtful looking at it. My heartstrings had gripped my attention because of the strange painful feeling they were trying to deal with.
I couldn’t think. I couldn’t stay focused. And I thought maybe it was a test. Maybe it’s a sign to test me for who I am. As a person who’s fighting with his needs to prove it to his future self, it was worth it. I don’t know if there will be a triumph but what I should be doing was what I should have done years ago: Leaving my comfort zone. Two weeks ago felt like a tunnel. A tunnel which is blocked at both ends and I am stuck in the middle of it. There is no way back and there would be no hope to continue.
Feeling alone is not a lie but it’s invincible and invisible. is like you’re in a battle with an enemy and you don’t have any information about who you try to deal with.
Minds are unique and they are working in unique ways. I needed to know how my mind works to try to correct it. It was like a butterfly. A butterfly that was flying all over my spirit. I can remember the day it started dying. My butterfly was trapped inside of me and there wasn’t any way I could help my only butterfly.
Words are like painkillers. Words are the chains of our connection to the world and its people. That’s why talking and writing helps us connect to each other and our true selves.
It’s painful when you see someone you love, torturing in front of your eyes and you can’t do anything to help. There are sad moments combined with a tingling sensation. Not to mention, I shrugged. This is what I do every time I am full of indescribable pain. It mostly works, but this time it didn’t. I was stunned. I couldn’t write or even speak about it. Or maybe if I wanted to speak there was no ear to listen to it. Words seemed trivial to this pain. I was stuck in a loop of my own preposterous naivety. So alienated from myself even that I couldn’t confess I was SCARED.
I always believed in time. How it heels and how it grows but at the moment I needed the enlightenment the most, there was nobody in my darkest hours to help me out.
It feels like a flat tire at first. Something punctured and unmoving. I was wishing for another kind of affliction. Something less heartbreaking. The bad news is “Mind is infinite, so is the pain”.
I gave up working. There was no point to it. And I joined my dearest friend of all time: Ms. Sun. First I got rid of the curtains and then I lie down with all of my existence. Nothing is like sunbathing in the last days of the autumn with your clothes on. I needed to be oblivious. I needed to be senseless.
With all of the above. There was a sense of life, summoning me to be my solid self. The one I was always proud of. I wanted to but I was paralyzed. My mind was on fire and also my heart. If I was on fire I could put a blanket around myself, but the flames were invisible. I needed a meaning to get up again. To start. To rectify my blameless.
