I was feeling confused, somehow disoriented, perplexed, and indescribable. It’s difficult when you have sth inside which you can’t put into words. Indescribable makes you feel lost and unread. It makes you feel you’re in the middle of the jungle and you can’t find a way to get out of there.
Sometimes trying isn’t enough. Precisely I shall say nothing is enough, there is no other way alongside your daily attempts. There is a possibility that each step makes you closer or farther. Yeah, there is, but if you choose to be afraid of fear, Fear will become your worst enemy. Fear will always be one ahead of you. So there are two kinds of scenarios here. You accept your blameless or you accept your responsibility. Choosing you’re responsible or choosing you’re not the one who should be blamed.
This is a careful decision. Because Taking responsibility gives you the credit of individualism. Responsibility will announce you as the man of your life. Responsibility will test your competence. It’s tough. but it’s worth it. I don’t think you will find anywhere else to give you a shot of fulfilling meaningfulness. No injection to your vein can feel like responsibility. When you try to see things through the lens of “I’m the one who should make changes.” everything starts to change.
I was thinking of my advantages. The things that I am thankful for them. Why? Because it makes you feel good, when you look at what you have that is your star. The things that make you special. My parents came to my mind.
They mostly cared about my focus. At least they tried. I understand that life is not fair, and I’m not the only one who’s been through a lot. Everybody does. If I didn’t have the experiences that I past, I wouldn’t be me anymore. I would have been someone else. Choices made me, but wrong choices made me grow, made me fear, and made me learn that “Life is not kind but there are bits of opportunity on the path of your journey, which you can take advantage of if you’re sober.”
That was the moment I felt I needed to be sober as much as possible. Because of focus, I removed lots of distractions. I removed the things that a normal person would strive for. It never made me feel good until the moment I felt a sense of achievement. A feeling that proves to me I am on the right path.
I was accumulated with reading and books. Honestly, you would feel bored but I liked difficulty, I liked to be challenged. Iranian bureaucratic education system made me feel weak, tortured, helpless and powerless. I learned from my fragileness that I care about learning. I care about self-productivity. I care about getting to know the human psyche more. I care about any knowledge that is related to the brain.
I believe there are a series of moments in everybody’s lives which they feel full of pain. But they don’t have any idea if they continue everything will reverse. I didn’t have anyone as serious as my brother. He was prone to thinking. Thinking is painful when you try to get to know yourself better. By self, I mean “Ego”.
It took me a long while to recognize that I want a voice of mine.” A voice that comes from me, not copying from some other thinkers. Of course, I read others’ works but I tried to internalize and rewire my brain to think like what I believe. In one word, I found out I like “devaluation”. I liked conceptualizing the meaning that before me they were defined. I like looking for my lens, my viewpoint, my paradigm, my world.
Grappling with words and subjects became my thing. I was thrilled to think about the definition of something from my perspective. It’s killing because it will make you think like hell. To be honest, I felt lost which I think I will be, but the more I tried to make my unconscious conscious the more I felt free. I rather call it “Evolution” because my ideas through time evolved and shaped differently.
Looking into the universe, and waiting for the moments that it manifests itself to me taught me that life is everything. As long as you’re alive, you have this constant opportunity to change (or evolve). As long as you’re not dead there is no such thing as past, present, future. There are earlier and later. It’s like a set of connected circles by means of lines, some of which are placed in earlier points of your life and some of them are placed in later moments, seconds, hours, etc.
